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i made this video about 2 weeks ago, but i've been hesitant to upload it because 1. i don't like how i look even after using terrible lighting and increasing the exposure, like usual. 2. i was deciding back in forth whether i should even announce this or if i should just keep it to myself because i didn't want to let anyone down...but i feel you guys are a huge part of my life and i should never have to hold something back from you even if it may change someone's opinion about me. and 3. i didn't explain things exactly how i was thinking it in my head, but that's okay. i'm human and weirdly enough i tend to forget that. i get mad at myself for not being able to do everything perfectly so i end up just giving and deleting what i created. i need to just do things and keep going as the more i do it, the better i'll get. What i tried to state in this video is that my vegan diet turned into a eating disorder. i starved myself to the point that i'm malnourished and i haven't been able to function properly or live my life the way i wanted. for some reason, it took six years to realize what i was doing to myself was beyond dangerous even though my unhealthy appearance should have made it obvious. I was just so brainwashed to think i wasn't allowed to change the way I live my life and I became so focused on saving animals lives that I didn't focus on mine. It doesn't help that the vegan community can be very intense and even if I am changing my lifestyle for health purposes, there's something that they will twist to make it look like I don't care about animals. Right now, i am focused less on restricting myself to a label and more on restoring my health and becoming me again as i have been in this dark place for way too long. The years have been a blur. After high school, i moved to a city a few hours away where i had no friends expecting to create this new, better life for myself. Instead, my anxiety took over and i became afraid to even leave my house. I became really alone and depressed, i didn't know what to do or anyone to talk so i came on here and expressed my thoughts and for once, I felt understood and cared about...the amount of support you guys have given me continues to blow mine. these past few years i have continued running away from my problems and have become very distant from the world like usual, but this time not only did i push everyone around me away, i also pushed you guys away. I guess it comes down to the fact that I have a constant fear that i'm not good enough to be this thing called a 'youtuber' It truly is what brings happiness to me, but I always feel i don't have the good looks for it and can't help but to think if you saw how i really looked in person without the terrible lighting and effects, you'd be disgusted by my terrible skin and the rest of the flaws that i point out in the mirror every single day. I have a lot of insecurities and self issues that tend to hold me back from everything. the most requested thing to do in the youtube world is do collabs with other youtubers and i can barely be myself around my own family, let alone a youtuber i just met so i've always avoided those. I wanna do vlogs about my day but barely leave my house and when i do, i'm alone and overly afraid to bring attention to myself as judgement is my biggest fear, no matter how much I try to make it seem like I don't care on here. I want to be on camera more often and be there for you guys, but I'm always so insecure about my acne that I never want to be seen. I constantly compare myself to the other youtuber's that everyone watches and loves and it's this constant fear that i'm not good enough. In my head, i''ve always just doubted people actually caring even though the evidence is right in front of me. I mean there's thousands of people with fizzy in their name on social networks, people who have spent time and effort creating things like scrapbooks, drawings, edits, fan pages, etc. just for me to see...it's so obvious that you guys care, but for some reason i'm so blinded by my negative image of myself that i don't seem to allow myself to believe it. i have this continuous cycle of never letting myself get close to people, but you guys are someone who i never thought i'd push away. I guess i've let my insecurities and fear become me and control my life. My days are just wasted not doing what I love and instead, just hiding in my house hiding from the world. I honestly fear I will just waste my entire life away and look back with nothing but regret as I already do. There's been this huge sense of emptiness in my life and i've realized that connecting with you guys through videos is exactly it and I won't be happy until that becomes a huge part of my life again. What I'm trying to say is I am very alone and stuck right now and i don't know what to do, but I do know I want to let you guys in again. Thank you for believing in me even when I didn't.
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